I guess I should start off by telling you how I lost my virginity on my
way to "Man-Whoredom"
It wasn't anything to write home about that's for
Damn sure!
I guess you could call me somewhat of a prude in my younger years. I honestly had delusions of waiting til I was married to have sex. Wow! What a naive Douche I was. (I still am a douche just not as naive)
The girls name was Erin Lowe. Aaaand LOWE she did go! I knew her for about a day and a half before she let me Smash. oh, (Smash) is a term we black people use to mean sexual relations.
So back to the story: I got hooked up with her by one of my buddies Skanky girlfriends that new her from another school. She was cute enough and I have always had a thing for blonds! (Blonds are nicer and more, they tend to go with the flow. they want to have a good time just as much as you do. Brunettes I hate because they ask too many questions and tend to get to cerebral with you. Which ends up killing my boner. It's been long known that men can supply blood to one head at a time and if you got me thinkin' my D is shrinkin')The only problem was she had teeth like a chainsaw/Piranha Hybrid! And a chin like Jay Leno's long lost daughter! But the thing that attracted me to her so much was that she was just so free and easy, cool and easy to get along with. Any girl that can ride in the back of my buddies hatchback Honda CRV with the seats down (because he had his speakers back there) to the dollar movies and still say she had fun is a KEEPER! And is worth my V card!
So after we go to the movies. We drop her off and she says "Let's hang out tomorrow." I say "Cool, I'll come hang out tomorrow. too make a long winded story short I show up to her friends house the next day and there is Erin sitting there. She looks great! Teeth going in every direction but in a straight line. But that's fine. As long as I don't make her smile or laugh I can get through this.
So she asks me if I want to go on a walk. I say "sure" She ends up taking me to a park and we lay down and start kissing. things are heating up and I'm rounding the bases like Jackie Robinson in the Negro Leagues just hit a double and tryin'to stretch it to a triple!
The groping starts, the clothes start to come off it's late enough at night that we don't have to worry about any kids frolicking through the park and disrupting us.
In my head I'm thinking "This is really about to happen, I'm really gonna do it!" So I go in for the Kill (so to speak) and get hit with the ultimate Cockblock! Not her. It was a Tampon! I thought FUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!! But as many men know, once you get to that point and time it's hard to shut the engines down. It's like NASA launching a missile getting all the way down to 3 in the countdown and then realizing you gotta shut the engines down. It's not gonna happen!!
So she says "Oh, I'm sorry I forgot I was on my period!" Once again I'm thinking "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU" (insert Rage toon) but then she tries to salvage it and says "Do you still want to...And I'm thinking to myself, "EWWWW, gross! But ok." So being the cool girl she is she takes her tampon out and flings it around like she's Daisy Duke trying to lasso a wild steer and flings it into the bushes behind us! All the while I'm thinking to myself "This sucks! My first time and the girl has to be on the rag! Just my luck!"
But that doesn't stop me from pumping my little 18yr old heart out! I pumped, grunted, got grass burns on my knees and when it was all said and done I thought to myself "This is what everybody's all obsessed with!? This sucks! I was bamboozled! I want my money back, I want a recount, this some Bullllllshit!"
So I crawled home on my first (of many) "Walk of Shame's" the morning after and went and got in the shower. There was grass all in my underwear, I washed my bloody penis off and if I had any heart at all I probably would've cried in the shower. But I didn't. I held it together. Determined that I would come back bigger and better the next time. After all, it couldn't get much worse. Little did I know!
It wasn't anything to write home about that's for
Damn sure!I guess you could call me somewhat of a prude in my younger years. I honestly had delusions of waiting til I was married to have sex. Wow! What a naive Douche I was. (I still am a douche just not as naive)
The girls name was Erin Lowe. Aaaand LOWE she did go! I knew her for about a day and a half before she let me Smash. oh, (Smash) is a term we black people use to mean sexual relations.
So back to the story: I got hooked up with her by one of my buddies Skanky girlfriends that new her from another school. She was cute enough and I have always had a thing for blonds! (Blonds are nicer and more, they tend to go with the flow. they want to have a good time just as much as you do. Brunettes I hate because they ask too many questions and tend to get to cerebral with you. Which ends up killing my boner. It's been long known that men can supply blood to one head at a time and if you got me thinkin' my D is shrinkin')The only problem was she had teeth like a chainsaw/Piranha Hybrid! And a chin like Jay Leno's long lost daughter! But the thing that attracted me to her so much was that she was just so free and easy, cool and easy to get along with. Any girl that can ride in the back of my buddies hatchback Honda CRV with the seats down (because he had his speakers back there) to the dollar movies and still say she had fun is a KEEPER! And is worth my V card!
So after we go to the movies. We drop her off and she says "Let's hang out tomorrow." I say "Cool, I'll come hang out tomorrow. too make a long winded story short I show up to her friends house the next day and there is Erin sitting there. She looks great! Teeth going in every direction but in a straight line. But that's fine. As long as I don't make her smile or laugh I can get through this.
So she asks me if I want to go on a walk. I say "sure" She ends up taking me to a park and we lay down and start kissing. things are heating up and I'm rounding the bases like Jackie Robinson in the Negro Leagues just hit a double and tryin'to stretch it to a triple!
The groping starts, the clothes start to come off it's late enough at night that we don't have to worry about any kids frolicking through the park and disrupting us.
In my head I'm thinking "This is really about to happen, I'm really gonna do it!" So I go in for the Kill (so to speak) and get hit with the ultimate Cockblock! Not her. It was a Tampon! I thought FUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!! But as many men know, once you get to that point and time it's hard to shut the engines down. It's like NASA launching a missile getting all the way down to 3 in the countdown and then realizing you gotta shut the engines down. It's not gonna happen!!
So she says "Oh, I'm sorry I forgot I was on my period!" Once again I'm thinking "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU" (insert Rage toon) but then she tries to salvage it and says "Do you still want to...And I'm thinking to myself, "EWWWW, gross! But ok." So being the cool girl she is she takes her tampon out and flings it around like she's Daisy Duke trying to lasso a wild steer and flings it into the bushes behind us! All the while I'm thinking to myself "This sucks! My first time and the girl has to be on the rag! Just my luck!"
But that doesn't stop me from pumping my little 18yr old heart out! I pumped, grunted, got grass burns on my knees and when it was all said and done I thought to myself "This is what everybody's all obsessed with!? This sucks! I was bamboozled! I want my money back, I want a recount, this some Bullllllshit!"
So I crawled home on my first (of many) "Walk of Shame's" the morning after and went and got in the shower. There was grass all in my underwear, I washed my bloody penis off and if I had any heart at all I probably would've cried in the shower. But I didn't. I held it together. Determined that I would come back bigger and better the next time. After all, it couldn't get much worse. Little did I know!
